People think I'm being pathetic and "feeling sorry for myself" but I can't change, I hate it when people expect things will get better, I don't see anything fixed or destined in front of me,
yes people will help us, and people will feel sorry for me but that's no good to me.
Nothing changes, I'm the same as I was 5-10-20 years ago, I see a job/family responsibilities as a huge challenge, not just a mundane thing "you have to do" but a colossal mountain that constantly grows so you never reach the peak:
The mountain
" I take on the challenge, I've been here before many times but I'm" fit now" better than I was, I have new boots, and I'm strong, I start climbing, it's easy, I've had bad experiences last time, (and the time before that), difficulties and injuries, but the ground is solid, the rocks are small, I can do this all day!
Then the ground gets steeper, but that's ok I'm ready for it, I enjoy every step!
I feel pride once more, I really can climb, I told everyone an no one believed me!
I look up some chap has found a flat plateau, lucky bugger and it's going the same way!
I can't go that way though there's a cliff alongside me, maybe I'll find a route and climb up there?
I stumble a little my legs are tired, I stop for a rest, wow I've done well, much further than I thought, but hang on I'm miles from the summit, I look up again, now several more people have found the easy route....oh well they probably aren't as fit.
On I go gradually through the day still going uphill I realise that whichever route I take keeps me on rough undulating ground, the more I look up the more people I see taking it easy, I hear them chatting to each other, complaining a little about being tired but actually getting a sense of comradeship and worth.
The day is late I'm still staggering on after hours of seemingly pointless effort, (why didn't I go the other route) I felt macho and proud earlier on, but this is getting really boring now, every hill brings a new view of another hill I have to climb, the others are way ahead I see them sitting having a tea break in the distance on the plateau, some are not as fit but they have trolleys and one even has a mule carrying him! Pah they wouldn't be able to climb a real mountain!
oh no, I've just seen huge boulders, it'll be like climbing over cars and vans for the next bit, I never saw this on the map....and it goes on as far as I can see.
It's now really hard going, I get bumped and scraped every step the huge rough boulders are covering the ground ahead there must have been a rock fall, I stop for a breath I look down, shins red raw, boots ripped to shreds, my bag has bit's missing. I look into the distance on my path , the peak still miles off, the other group I can only just see now, they've at the peak mountain and are continuing to another easy flat path, they don't even see me struggle or offer help, as I clamber between huge rocks, not that they'd be able to, as I'm at the bottom of a cliff, I'm not in danger, just knackered.
They laugh and make remarks, "it's easy" "it's hard work for everyone don't' moan"
I can walk (though in pain), and it's a short walk to the valley, no rescue team would help me if they did they'd only laugh at the route I took, or be cross, they've seen me quite a few times already.
I really wanted to get to the peak, and that plateau, I'm not going to bother trying this mountain again, it's too hard and there's a much easier route (I've tried it every day for years).
But I have to, otherwise I cannot move forward and people rely on me to reach the peak.
Why won't anyone tell me how to get to the flat path?
I'll try the mountain again tomorrow....
By Richard